Throughout this blog i'll bounce back and forward from one story to another, A because i don't tell a story well and 2 because its all a bit blurry. Another thing, i have no idea where i'm going with it so.....
Anyway, i'll fast forward to 2 or 3 weeks ago, before i sought help, as i said before i knew i needed some form of help as things inside my head were getting worse. Work was a nightmare, i wasn't interested in what anyone had to say unless i had started the conversation, i became very withdrawn, one word answers, no eye contact etc. I'd always had a problem with my boss though and every now and then i'd snap at him, no big deal but after going out with a friend(not a date) where i had a great night, plenty of laughs etc, i thought, in work the next day, fuck this shit, this is boring, so i started an argument over nothing, stormed out and told myself i done the right thing. Though, after thinking about it i went back in but the next day i never turned up and went to the doctors instead. A friend said to me she thought i had issues, seek help kinda thing and for the sake of wanting a date with her, to be a couple i thought ok, i'll go to the docs.
Seen the doctor and he signed me off work, i told him about my constant snapping, my need to know where i was going and when, my inability to talk to people i wasn't interested in, my paranoia about what people i thought i didn't give a shit about thought about me, irony. I told him about how i talk to myself in my head and when my brain says something i dont like i tell it to shut up(about 500 times a day). I mentioned the fact that i enjoyed my own company more than being with a group, how every thought that ran through my head was a negitive one.
I know i went on a bit there, but that wasn't all and what i'm trying to say is after admitting that i knew i had to change but years of thinking like that is hard to change, i'm only at the early stages but i can see a path i need to take, i still think negative at times, i still worry what my friend thinks of me, why can't she see a future with me, if i have her by my side i'll be happy and will change so fast. But it doesn't work like that and thats another thing on my mind, not her fault, mine for seeing this as my ticket out of mangled world and not for what it was, a friendship. Classic me.
Anyway, i'm here for a reason i think and that was to try and write down what i could, not for anyones benefit as i'm hardly a role model but, there may be someone out there who can take something from it or add to it.
When i told my mum, in a text, what the doctor had said, she said i've never seen you like that, but years of one word answers and snapping at nothing was my way of dealing with it, when no one was around was when i was the real me. She tried talking to me about it but i clammed up, we aren't that close, we are but not in a feelings and stuff way. Even telling the few people i did, i think now and wonder why i told 2 of the 4 people i did(my mum doesnt come into it) I didn't really know 2 of them that well and wonder why i bothered, i am grateful for their support but i feel i was a bit heavy and bit too loose tongued. Then i think well i got good advice from them but there is always a feeling that they think i'm a nut, here's me trying to explain to someone how i feel, who i am, what i want,when i have no idea myself! I am grateful for them being there tho and to one of them....double thanks.
No comments:
Post a Comment