Gambling

The reason i changed. Everyday i get the urge to gamble and going by what i hear at GA that won't change but, bar a slip up when i was on the 72nd hour of a 3 day night, i can see the bigger picture now, ok i'm not much better off for it and i'm still in the shit but i can see that gambling got me knowhere. I know that it holds me back.
The disease that is compulsive gambling got me from day 1, i was about 12 and thought that hanging around a snooker hall was the dogs bollocks. My dad gave me a few quid to put in the fruit machine, then it was a football coupon, a horse, a greyhound....that was me till i was 16, putting my pocket money plus whatever else i stole. Funny thing tho, my dad never seen it as a problem till i started asking him for serious dosh to bail me out, then it was all my own doing...knob.
Anyway when i was 16 i got a job, a good job and i remember my first wage well, £120...bang in a fruit machine but i was glad i done it, it meant i had learnt the hard way about gambling..i as cured. Fast forward 6/7 years and i put my last wage in the roullette machine, slightly more this time....£730(2 weeks wage). So every week in between then i went to the bookies and when my wages were gone i got a loan, an overdraft, credit cards and any other form of credit going. I still managed to keep a g/f going, she knew about it but stuck by me. Daft cow, shes happy now tho, so maybe i can take a bit of credit for that.
So....i suppose i've only officially stopped gamling for 10 days after my lapse when i was drunk and went to my comfort zone of a fruit machine. I'm first to admit i've found it really hard to stay off gambling because of the way my mind is just now, i'm untouchable when i'm gambling but when i'm not, i'm a sitting duck because when i'm gambling i'm alone and thats where i'm safe but where am i when i walk home skint...alone. The thing i'm begining to realise is that unless i change my ways, my ways of thinking and my attitude towards people then i'll always be alone and that will just start the cycle again. I've realised i want to be normal and have friends, a g/f is not high on my list, it can't be till i'm well on my way to reaching my goals.
That is the tip of the ice berg with gambling, i've spent tens and tens of thousands, i've let everyone down at one point or another and if it wasnt for my mum i don't know where i'd be.
So this is basicly what made me start this blog, gambling, which made me into a recluse, made me see the world the way i see it but with that experience and a desire to change my life i won't go back. I'll move forward, TRY not too look back and i know myself if i stay off gambling, change my thoughts, reach my goals or at least give it my best shot, i'll be in a better place.