Me, my anxitety and paranoia

I knew i had problems, years of compulsive gambling had seen to that, although, I was normal, had a job, friends, a girlfriend. I was a very sociable person, would talk to anyone, full of confidence but thats when I had a win at the bookies. After a loss i was a recluse, crossed the street to avoid talking, ignored my phone. Times that one loss by 1 million and i'm jobless, single and no friends. That was around 2 years ago and the 2 years since then is what brought me here. I would need to write a heavy book to tell all my stories, share all my woes of my years of gambling but, i'm here to write about the 2 years that brought me here, in a nutshell of course, would need another book for the full story.

Even though i came across as ok on the outside, inside my head was buzzing, constantly worrying how i came across, analysing everthing, talking to myself, trying to antisipate everthing that was going to happen. This gradually got worse, with more inbetween.

I always had issues because of gambling at an early age, years of burying my head in the sand was good practice for my 2 years of building a world where my brain made the population of my "utopia" as 1. After my old life was over, my g/f of 6 years leaving me and with her, the friends i had built up, i started to see things more clearly, which looking back, was as clear as the M8 at rush hour.
Everything made sense now, i didn't need anyone and they only held me back, they were stopping me from getting my big win. It never came though. The small ones did and when they did i was fine, in the pub, alone with my thoughts to think what i wanted, make my plans...never got boring.

So how do i feel just now? mixed up sums it up well. I know how i want to feel, how i want to act and how i want people to see me but instead i say, act and come across as exaclty the oppisite or at least thats what other people are seeing and thinking...complicated and it takes most of my time does thinking, so by writting this and continuing with the help i'm recieving i can become my old self or better still, a better person.