Made this up

brainless actions, deluded distractions.
add complexed subtractions and unworkable fractions.
an overreaction to a one way transaction.
assuming attraction is no satisfaction.


took me 3 hours, wanted to come up something i made up, ok it might not make sense to others but every sentence is understood by me.

I don't care too much for Sundays, they're always shit, really boring days. Even if i was out doing something i'd still feel the same. I think. But i'm not, i'm home and thinking. The strange feeling of anxiety? is back, think i got rid of it during the week there but with my first day back at work on the horizon i'm starting to get all the feelings back. Its not that i hate my job, i've had worse, its not like i'm being bullied or i'm scared to go in, it's just the thought of going back to the questions and trying to act like i'm happy to be back i can't be arsed with. I can get on with most in work but the few that i can't stand are the ones i have more contact in work with and i can feel myself bubbling away inside when i think of going back and can see me snapping as soon as i walk in the door.
There is still issues to be resolved in there and i feel bringing that up won't help, it'll make things more awkward. I'm in a no win situation i feel, but if nothing is sorted then it's a sure thing i'll just storm out.

I'm trying to put a positive spin on it, telling myself to go in, head down and just work away but by being there and the way my work is, we have to talk and i know for a fact if i hear boring stories about what his wife made for dinner or what her husband done at the weekend, i will explode. This is just about two people, i'm never ignorant and will always acknowledge someone when they're talking to me, it's just they 2, i have no time for them, but i'll smile(maybe not) but i will seem interested and nod.

Looking for  a new job all the time, but even with my much talked about (in "bakers weekly") skills there is just not much happening, plus no one will pay what they have us on just now, so i need to be sensible and think long term. Do i want to be there in a years time? probably not. In a years time(max) do i want to have a car, my own place, a real social life etc? Of course i do. So i'll see how it goes on wednesday and realise that i need to be patient.

I just constantly think if i can get one thing out the way(my goals) everything will be easy but it always seems as if there is something holding me back, i.e work - if i'm not happy there, where i spend more time with people there than i do my familly, how can i possibly move upwards? I know i need to work to finish my driving lessons, which will open up new doors but it seems every month i'm not in a position to pay for them(£300-400 on fuck all but drink, taxis and pizzas etc i spent a few weeks ago would have seen me through my test, funny how i never thought of that then)

I think i know exactly what would make me happy. shhhh

Last nite, she said.....i'm hanging up now

After a few drinks, i came home and stuck on the radio and phoned them up and started on a rant about global warming, the wars and how come you don't play The Strokes. Anyway point being, i don't know. Was funny tho cause i kept going on and on and i could tell she wanted to hang up so that made me more boring and i just kept on going, eventually she said i'm hanging up now....i thought it was funny.

So, had a wee blow out last night, started off cool just sittin with my brother, the sound of silence was all that was heard for most of the night, which suited me but as the night went on we went to his neighbours house and there was maybe 6 or 7 there but the conversation was in full flow, everyone having a laugh and talking about interesting things like whats the best water on the market....anyway. Although i was content being there i looked around, and without being disrespectful or whatever, no one had a job, no one probably had 2 brain cells and i thought, why am i the one sitting quiet, no confidence, no enthusiasm to join in the banter? Still can't understand that feeling last night, as i've said before i prefer one on ones or my own company, i'm hoping that changes of course but i must admit i felt relieved when i got home, probably why i phoned ********* radio, i wanted to join in last night, i had things to say but couldn't drag myself out of my thought induced coma that had me sitting in a chair, almost in a daze.
I've honestly no time for people except the people i choose to talk to, dunno what that means, selfish? just like everyone else? shallow? dunno.

All these walls were never really there,
nor the ceiling or the chair.
I am eking weeks of peace on a beach
I see the breezes weave the trees,
these walls you find - they're yours and mine
confined not by them I
I am in times that lie behind my eyelids,
the sunsets steal the rising silence

I am not here at all,
you dearly fooled,
I see busheling trees, the shush at the sea
the mischievous
fluttering seagulls
I'm not trapped in a box, I'm glancing at rocks
I am dancing off docks
since this stance began
thats where i am

I'll not feel no fear
Cause I'm not really here
I'm nowhere near


OK, so not my words but i like it, woke up with this in my head and thought hey ho

Trading sunshine for clouds

A trait of mine is always negative thinking. No matter what the situation, no matter how good i always find a way of putting it down. Got a job after being unemployed for ages and my first words were "bet it'll be a shit job", ok it is but the point being instead of being happy the first thing i did was slate it. In the past i've been out on dates and everything would be going well and classic me would just start putting a negative spin on it and before i know it she would be off.
Anytime i'm about to ask someone something, anything, before i've even asked the question i have a thousand answers in my head, all of which are the answers i don't want to hear. Hard to get away from that.
I constantly put any oppertunity passed my way down. I could find a reason to put a dampner on the birth of a child. Any suggestion made to me is scrutinised for something that'll make me look silly or make me come out worse. I suppose some of this thinking is down to me believing that if i say i'm not really bothered and play everything down and to some extent, don't get involved, then i can't be made to look silly, i can't be hurt and i can say to everyone i told you so.....i wasn't bothered anyway.
I can't really pin point when i became Mr.Negative(i could have a charachter in a mr men book) and that doesn't bother me much, of course i want to be more positive but what does get to me is why do i think everyone is waiting for me to fall when i am in a positive mood.?

Trying to think of more examples is difficult, maybe its all blurred into one, but the bottom line is i turn every positive to a negative. I constanly analyse every situation i am in and look for ways to bring it down. Very rarely will you hear me see the words "i can't wait" "looking forward to it" and "i'm so excited" unless i'm being sarcastic.
What to do? Open up more, look at other people expressing normal human emotions and join in...no one is watching me, no one cares what i did or said so why should i? I recognise these kinda things and by writting it down i hope i take it and change. I'm not mr doom and gloom, i'm just not sure how to act, i worry what others think.

So.....i've identified another problem, now to work on it.

bla

up and down like a yoyo last few days, so wierd. Out running today, went for a walk, went to the shops and seen a woman fall down an escalator and nearly wet myself, but all it takes is to be sittin in the house and bang, back into depressed mode. A huge knot in my stomach, nothing making sense and can't hold a thought for more than a....where was i? Anyway i know its not gonny be simple or easy but does it have to be so hard, why is it like this? I'm pretty sure i know whats distracting me, but when i'm in happy mode i know that it can't be that cause its nothing but when i'm down its all i can think of, so strange.

Not had a drink for 5 days, not that i had a problem as such, my problem is drinking alone, thats when my thoughts run away with me so i'm steering clear of doing that. I was out last week with 7 people, i only knew one of them and the rest were brand new but i didn't want to be there, it was white noise. I can handle one on ones and being with people i know but i'm not ready for strangers. Its where i want to be though because i would have been in my element years ago and i can still be that guy.

I have days when to look at me you'd say i'm lying when i say i have social or anxiety issues, in work for example i can have days when i've got a story for everyone but days when i'm walking about with my face tripping me. I've never really been a smiley kinda guy though, strange tho considering i have a hollywood smile.........Anyway everyone has off days i suppose so thats not really much of a problem and work is shit anyway, and will get worse in a few weeks time......

Me, my anxitety and paranoia

I knew i had problems, years of compulsive gambling had seen to that, although, I was normal, had a job, friends, a girlfriend. I was a very sociable person, would talk to anyone, full of confidence but thats when I had a win at the bookies. After a loss i was a recluse, crossed the street to avoid talking, ignored my phone. Times that one loss by 1 million and i'm jobless, single and no friends. That was around 2 years ago and the 2 years since then is what brought me here. I would need to write a heavy book to tell all my stories, share all my woes of my years of gambling but, i'm here to write about the 2 years that brought me here, in a nutshell of course, would need another book for the full story.

Even though i came across as ok on the outside, inside my head was buzzing, constantly worrying how i came across, analysing everthing, talking to myself, trying to antisipate everthing that was going to happen. This gradually got worse, with more inbetween.

I always had issues because of gambling at an early age, years of burying my head in the sand was good practice for my 2 years of building a world where my brain made the population of my "utopia" as 1. After my old life was over, my g/f of 6 years leaving me and with her, the friends i had built up, i started to see things more clearly, which looking back, was as clear as the M8 at rush hour.
Everything made sense now, i didn't need anyone and they only held me back, they were stopping me from getting my big win. It never came though. The small ones did and when they did i was fine, in the pub, alone with my thoughts to think what i wanted, make my plans...never got boring.

So how do i feel just now? mixed up sums it up well. I know how i want to feel, how i want to act and how i want people to see me but instead i say, act and come across as exaclty the oppisite or at least thats what other people are seeing and thinking...complicated and it takes most of my time does thinking, so by writting this and continuing with the help i'm recieving i can become my old self or better still, a better person.

Gambling

The reason i changed. Everyday i get the urge to gamble and going by what i hear at GA that won't change but, bar a slip up when i was on the 72nd hour of a 3 day night, i can see the bigger picture now, ok i'm not much better off for it and i'm still in the shit but i can see that gambling got me knowhere. I know that it holds me back.
The disease that is compulsive gambling got me from day 1, i was about 12 and thought that hanging around a snooker hall was the dogs bollocks. My dad gave me a few quid to put in the fruit machine, then it was a football coupon, a horse, a greyhound....that was me till i was 16, putting my pocket money plus whatever else i stole. Funny thing tho, my dad never seen it as a problem till i started asking him for serious dosh to bail me out, then it was all my own doing...knob.
Anyway when i was 16 i got a job, a good job and i remember my first wage well, £120...bang in a fruit machine but i was glad i done it, it meant i had learnt the hard way about gambling..i as cured. Fast forward 6/7 years and i put my last wage in the roullette machine, slightly more this time....£730(2 weeks wage). So every week in between then i went to the bookies and when my wages were gone i got a loan, an overdraft, credit cards and any other form of credit going. I still managed to keep a g/f going, she knew about it but stuck by me. Daft cow, shes happy now tho, so maybe i can take a bit of credit for that.
So....i suppose i've only officially stopped gamling for 10 days after my lapse when i was drunk and went to my comfort zone of a fruit machine. I'm first to admit i've found it really hard to stay off gambling because of the way my mind is just now, i'm untouchable when i'm gambling but when i'm not, i'm a sitting duck because when i'm gambling i'm alone and thats where i'm safe but where am i when i walk home skint...alone. The thing i'm begining to realise is that unless i change my ways, my ways of thinking and my attitude towards people then i'll always be alone and that will just start the cycle again. I've realised i want to be normal and have friends, a g/f is not high on my list, it can't be till i'm well on my way to reaching my goals.
That is the tip of the ice berg with gambling, i've spent tens and tens of thousands, i've let everyone down at one point or another and if it wasnt for my mum i don't know where i'd be.
So this is basicly what made me start this blog, gambling, which made me into a recluse, made me see the world the way i see it but with that experience and a desire to change my life i won't go back. I'll move forward, TRY not too look back and i know myself if i stay off gambling, change my thoughts, reach my goals or at least give it my best shot, i'll be in a better place.

Mind games

Throughout this blog i'll bounce back and forward from one story to another, A because i don't tell a story well and 2 because its all a bit blurry. Another thing, i have no idea where i'm going with it so.....


Anyway, i'll fast forward to 2 or 3 weeks ago, before i sought help, as i said before i knew i needed some form of help as things inside my head were getting worse. Work was a nightmare, i wasn't interested in what anyone had to say unless i had started the conversation, i became very withdrawn, one word answers, no eye contact etc. I'd always had a problem with my boss though and every now and then i'd snap at him, no big deal but after going out with a friend(not a date) where i had a great night, plenty of laughs etc, i thought, in work the next day, fuck this shit, this is boring, so i started an argument over nothing, stormed out and told myself i done the right thing. Though, after thinking about it i went back in but the next day i never turned up and went to the doctors instead. A friend said to me she thought i had issues, seek help kinda thing and for the sake of wanting a date with her, to be a couple i thought ok, i'll go to the docs.
Seen the doctor and he signed me off work, i told him about my constant snapping, my need to know where i was going and when, my inability to talk to people i wasn't interested in, my paranoia about what people i thought i didn't give a shit about thought about me, irony. I told him about how i talk to myself in my head and when my brain says something i dont like i tell it to shut up(about 500 times a day). I mentioned the fact that i enjoyed my own company more than being with a group, how every thought that ran through my head was a negitive one.
I know i went on a bit there, but that wasn't all and what i'm trying to say is after admitting that i knew i had to change but years of thinking like that is hard to change, i'm only at the early stages but i can see a path i need to take, i still think negative at times, i still worry what my friend thinks of me, why can't she see a future with me, if i have her by my side i'll be happy and will change so fast. But it doesn't work like that and thats another thing on my mind, not her fault, mine for seeing this as my ticket out of mangled world and not for what it was, a friendship. Classic me.

Anyway, i'm here for a reason i think and that was to try and write down what i could, not for anyones benefit as i'm hardly a role model but, there may be someone out there who can take something from it or add to it.
When i told my mum, in a text, what the doctor had said, she said i've never seen you like that, but years of one word answers and snapping at nothing was my way of dealing with it, when no one was around was when i was the real me. She tried talking to me about it but i clammed up, we aren't that close, we are but not in a feelings and stuff way. Even telling the few people i did, i think now and wonder why i told 2 of the 4 people i did(my mum doesnt come into it) I didn't really know 2 of them that well and wonder why i bothered, i am grateful for their support but i feel i was a bit heavy and bit too loose tongued. Then i think well i got good advice from them but there is always a feeling that they think i'm a nut, here's me trying to explain to someone how i feel, who i am, what i want,when i have no idea myself! I am grateful for them being there tho and to one of them....double thanks.