Made this up

brainless actions, deluded distractions.
add complexed subtractions and unworkable fractions.
an overreaction to a one way transaction.
assuming attraction is no satisfaction.


took me 3 hours, wanted to come up something i made up, ok it might not make sense to others but every sentence is understood by me.

I don't care too much for Sundays, they're always shit, really boring days. Even if i was out doing something i'd still feel the same. I think. But i'm not, i'm home and thinking. The strange feeling of anxiety? is back, think i got rid of it during the week there but with my first day back at work on the horizon i'm starting to get all the feelings back. Its not that i hate my job, i've had worse, its not like i'm being bullied or i'm scared to go in, it's just the thought of going back to the questions and trying to act like i'm happy to be back i can't be arsed with. I can get on with most in work but the few that i can't stand are the ones i have more contact in work with and i can feel myself bubbling away inside when i think of going back and can see me snapping as soon as i walk in the door.
There is still issues to be resolved in there and i feel bringing that up won't help, it'll make things more awkward. I'm in a no win situation i feel, but if nothing is sorted then it's a sure thing i'll just storm out.

I'm trying to put a positive spin on it, telling myself to go in, head down and just work away but by being there and the way my work is, we have to talk and i know for a fact if i hear boring stories about what his wife made for dinner or what her husband done at the weekend, i will explode. This is just about two people, i'm never ignorant and will always acknowledge someone when they're talking to me, it's just they 2, i have no time for them, but i'll smile(maybe not) but i will seem interested and nod.

Looking for  a new job all the time, but even with my much talked about (in "bakers weekly") skills there is just not much happening, plus no one will pay what they have us on just now, so i need to be sensible and think long term. Do i want to be there in a years time? probably not. In a years time(max) do i want to have a car, my own place, a real social life etc? Of course i do. So i'll see how it goes on wednesday and realise that i need to be patient.

I just constantly think if i can get one thing out the way(my goals) everything will be easy but it always seems as if there is something holding me back, i.e work - if i'm not happy there, where i spend more time with people there than i do my familly, how can i possibly move upwards? I know i need to work to finish my driving lessons, which will open up new doors but it seems every month i'm not in a position to pay for them(£300-400 on fuck all but drink, taxis and pizzas etc i spent a few weeks ago would have seen me through my test, funny how i never thought of that then)

I think i know exactly what would make me happy. shhhh

Last nite, she said.....i'm hanging up now

After a few drinks, i came home and stuck on the radio and phoned them up and started on a rant about global warming, the wars and how come you don't play The Strokes. Anyway point being, i don't know. Was funny tho cause i kept going on and on and i could tell she wanted to hang up so that made me more boring and i just kept on going, eventually she said i'm hanging up now....i thought it was funny.

So, had a wee blow out last night, started off cool just sittin with my brother, the sound of silence was all that was heard for most of the night, which suited me but as the night went on we went to his neighbours house and there was maybe 6 or 7 there but the conversation was in full flow, everyone having a laugh and talking about interesting things like whats the best water on the market....anyway. Although i was content being there i looked around, and without being disrespectful or whatever, no one had a job, no one probably had 2 brain cells and i thought, why am i the one sitting quiet, no confidence, no enthusiasm to join in the banter? Still can't understand that feeling last night, as i've said before i prefer one on ones or my own company, i'm hoping that changes of course but i must admit i felt relieved when i got home, probably why i phoned ********* radio, i wanted to join in last night, i had things to say but couldn't drag myself out of my thought induced coma that had me sitting in a chair, almost in a daze.
I've honestly no time for people except the people i choose to talk to, dunno what that means, selfish? just like everyone else? shallow? dunno.

All these walls were never really there,
nor the ceiling or the chair.
I am eking weeks of peace on a beach
I see the breezes weave the trees,
these walls you find - they're yours and mine
confined not by them I
I am in times that lie behind my eyelids,
the sunsets steal the rising silence

I am not here at all,
you dearly fooled,
I see busheling trees, the shush at the sea
the mischievous
fluttering seagulls
I'm not trapped in a box, I'm glancing at rocks
I am dancing off docks
since this stance began
thats where i am

I'll not feel no fear
Cause I'm not really here
I'm nowhere near


OK, so not my words but i like it, woke up with this in my head and thought hey ho

Trading sunshine for clouds

A trait of mine is always negative thinking. No matter what the situation, no matter how good i always find a way of putting it down. Got a job after being unemployed for ages and my first words were "bet it'll be a shit job", ok it is but the point being instead of being happy the first thing i did was slate it. In the past i've been out on dates and everything would be going well and classic me would just start putting a negative spin on it and before i know it she would be off.
Anytime i'm about to ask someone something, anything, before i've even asked the question i have a thousand answers in my head, all of which are the answers i don't want to hear. Hard to get away from that.
I constantly put any oppertunity passed my way down. I could find a reason to put a dampner on the birth of a child. Any suggestion made to me is scrutinised for something that'll make me look silly or make me come out worse. I suppose some of this thinking is down to me believing that if i say i'm not really bothered and play everything down and to some extent, don't get involved, then i can't be made to look silly, i can't be hurt and i can say to everyone i told you so.....i wasn't bothered anyway.
I can't really pin point when i became Mr.Negative(i could have a charachter in a mr men book) and that doesn't bother me much, of course i want to be more positive but what does get to me is why do i think everyone is waiting for me to fall when i am in a positive mood.?

Trying to think of more examples is difficult, maybe its all blurred into one, but the bottom line is i turn every positive to a negative. I constanly analyse every situation i am in and look for ways to bring it down. Very rarely will you hear me see the words "i can't wait" "looking forward to it" and "i'm so excited" unless i'm being sarcastic.
What to do? Open up more, look at other people expressing normal human emotions and join in...no one is watching me, no one cares what i did or said so why should i? I recognise these kinda things and by writting it down i hope i take it and change. I'm not mr doom and gloom, i'm just not sure how to act, i worry what others think.

So.....i've identified another problem, now to work on it.

bla

up and down like a yoyo last few days, so wierd. Out running today, went for a walk, went to the shops and seen a woman fall down an escalator and nearly wet myself, but all it takes is to be sittin in the house and bang, back into depressed mode. A huge knot in my stomach, nothing making sense and can't hold a thought for more than a....where was i? Anyway i know its not gonny be simple or easy but does it have to be so hard, why is it like this? I'm pretty sure i know whats distracting me, but when i'm in happy mode i know that it can't be that cause its nothing but when i'm down its all i can think of, so strange.

Not had a drink for 5 days, not that i had a problem as such, my problem is drinking alone, thats when my thoughts run away with me so i'm steering clear of doing that. I was out last week with 7 people, i only knew one of them and the rest were brand new but i didn't want to be there, it was white noise. I can handle one on ones and being with people i know but i'm not ready for strangers. Its where i want to be though because i would have been in my element years ago and i can still be that guy.

I have days when to look at me you'd say i'm lying when i say i have social or anxiety issues, in work for example i can have days when i've got a story for everyone but days when i'm walking about with my face tripping me. I've never really been a smiley kinda guy though, strange tho considering i have a hollywood smile.........Anyway everyone has off days i suppose so thats not really much of a problem and work is shit anyway, and will get worse in a few weeks time......

Me, my anxitety and paranoia

I knew i had problems, years of compulsive gambling had seen to that, although, I was normal, had a job, friends, a girlfriend. I was a very sociable person, would talk to anyone, full of confidence but thats when I had a win at the bookies. After a loss i was a recluse, crossed the street to avoid talking, ignored my phone. Times that one loss by 1 million and i'm jobless, single and no friends. That was around 2 years ago and the 2 years since then is what brought me here. I would need to write a heavy book to tell all my stories, share all my woes of my years of gambling but, i'm here to write about the 2 years that brought me here, in a nutshell of course, would need another book for the full story.

Even though i came across as ok on the outside, inside my head was buzzing, constantly worrying how i came across, analysing everthing, talking to myself, trying to antisipate everthing that was going to happen. This gradually got worse, with more inbetween.

I always had issues because of gambling at an early age, years of burying my head in the sand was good practice for my 2 years of building a world where my brain made the population of my "utopia" as 1. After my old life was over, my g/f of 6 years leaving me and with her, the friends i had built up, i started to see things more clearly, which looking back, was as clear as the M8 at rush hour.
Everything made sense now, i didn't need anyone and they only held me back, they were stopping me from getting my big win. It never came though. The small ones did and when they did i was fine, in the pub, alone with my thoughts to think what i wanted, make my plans...never got boring.

So how do i feel just now? mixed up sums it up well. I know how i want to feel, how i want to act and how i want people to see me but instead i say, act and come across as exaclty the oppisite or at least thats what other people are seeing and thinking...complicated and it takes most of my time does thinking, so by writting this and continuing with the help i'm recieving i can become my old self or better still, a better person.